A single parent exists in a difficult environment. Having to share children, lacking full control over how the children are raised, overseeing household responsibilities alone, experiencing difficulties with ex-spouses and their partners, and enduring heartbreak are all part of the life and environment of the single parent. After dating and finding someone to love, the single parent and the partner become caught up in a harmful myth.

The great myth that most parents believe is that their love will go on forever and personal happiness will triumph over any future difficulties. Couples believe that once married, they will be blissfully happy, their children will be thrilled, life will be sweet, and problems will disappear. And if any future difficulties do arise, they can handle them easily.

The myth is that that 1+1=0, meaning that one difficult environment of one adult plus one difficult environment of the other adult will cancel out all difficulties for both adults. Once together, problems solved! The couple believe that any difficulties occurring now will be eliminated, or nearly eliminated, once they marry.

But the truth is that 1+1=2 (or 3, or 4)?over twice as many problems, a difficult environment doubled. And it is this unexpected magnification of difficulties, completely unprepared for, that erodes loving relationships and causes stepfamilies to fail.

Huge problems exist. One former spouse plus another former spouse equal two former spouses. One child custody/support difficulty plus another child custody/support difficulty equal two child custody/support difficulties. Financial issues for one single parent plus financial issues for another single parent equal a marriage with very complex financial issues. Now add issues of merging two distinct families under one roof, more involved child care and discipline, additional cooking and cleanup, more responsibilities, children moving in and out of the home, stepparent/stepchildren issues, lack of time for the couple alone?and you have what can amount to enormous pressure on a very unprepared and bewildered stepfamily.

The point is this: The myth of the intoxicating emotions in dating assures couples that there is no need for preparation, no need for lengthy discussion, no need for skill development or for anticipating future difficulties. Since life is going to be so wonderful, why bother?

Does this same myth apply to parents dating non-parents? Will couples like these also experience major difficulties? In such cases it isn't 1+1=2 but 1+0=1. Right? Not so.

Actually, the formula generally remains the same: 1+1=2. The single parent and the non-parent will still find their problems doubled. Why? Because the non-parent doesn't comprehend the life of a parent and will become another pressure in the difficult environment of the parent.

Therefore, the formula for the environment of the parent and the non-parent remains the same: One difficult environment of the single parent plus one difficult environment of the non-comprehending non-parent doubles the severity of the environment.

Resources: The Environments in Single Parent Dating and Single Parent Savvy Partnering Series: Book 2: Engagement, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please visit our store.