A first marriage is a simple family system with everyone sharing the same biological connection. Single-parent families and stepfamilies are far more complex, with ex-spouses, children moving back and forth, and two distinct families living under one roof.

But things can go well, surprisingly well, with a few key pointers.

Let’s discuss two.

To bring peace and health into single-parent families and stepfamilies one of the first tasks is to identify all the relationships in the family, including those that involve the children.

Unlike first marriages wherein every member shares the same biological relationships, in stepfamilies every relationship needs to be clearly recognized. This includes not only biological relationships but step-connections as well. This is life in a stepfamily. What is taken for granted in first marriages must in blending families become the subject of careful and intense consideration.

And every single one of these relationships is critical to stepfamily health.
How many biological relationships and how many step-connections are there in the single parent or stepfamily? Add them together and there may be as few as two or three or as many as ten, fifteen, or twenty-plus relationships.

Every one of these relationships has the potential to bring a family either happiness and emotional health or incredible misery. Any one of these relationships is poised at any moment to spill out toxins and destroy the emotional stability of parents and children.

Once identified, the next step is to accept every one of these relationships and not oppose them. Acceptance means honoring these relationships as fact and then leaving them alone, without any negative interference from parents or children. The requirement of all individuals in a stepfamily is to make peace with the people around them.

Acceptance means allowing other adults to live their own lives in the way they see fit. This includes parents living together, parents who act irresponsibly in their relationships, and/or parents who have minimal ability to manage their work, finances, or themselves.

Acceptance does not mean approval! But the position of biological parent and stepparent is to be highly respected and honored, whether deserved or not. Every parent and every stepparent is to be considered important and vital to the emotional well-being of the children.

Every biological connection and every step-connection is a key element in promoting children’s well-being, as well as stepfamily happiness.

Resources: Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please go to our online store.

God created an ingredient designed to benefit first-marriage families. Oddly enough, that same ingredient will dismantle stepfamilies. Understanding what this ingredient is and how to work with it will bring much needed relief and stability to the stepfamily.

The ingredient created by God is the biological connection. Biological connections establish our place in life and give us our identity.

Because of the biological connection we love and support our spouse and assign priority to our children above all other children. We cling to them, support them, favor them, discipline them, cuddle them, and, at times, let them get by with murder. It is because of our biological connections that we recognize our immediate family members as more than just people close to us—they are part of ourselves!

One of the most powerful aspects of the biological connection is the loyalty it creates among family members. Biological connections are designed to be fiercely loyal to their own family members and to reject all outside relationships. They are created to be exclusive.

Biological connections are not designed to merge or overlap. Families don’t generally live together—they co-exist with one another. The design of God in Genesis 2:24 states that men and women leave and cleave. Once a couple are married they want to live together on their own, with total independence.

First marriages naturally separate from all outside authorities and relationships. Stepfamilies do the exact opposite. The very biological relationships designed to live apart are merged. They aren’t programmed to welcome with equal standing new non-biological “family members.”  Thus, non-biological relationships don’t function very well when blended into a stepfamily.

Outsiders moving into the home as part of the family cause persons of the same biology to revolt. The forces of loyalty and the natural rejection of outsiders create divisions among blending members. So it is the biological connection, the powerful ingredient created by God, that is at the very heart of why stepfamilies experience problems.

Resources: Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please go to www.ifre.org.