Nothing will promote peace and family health more than adults benefiting their ex-spouses and partners of their ex-spouses.
Benefiting biological and step-connections means moving beyond an attitude of acceptance to actually performing acts of kindness. Benefiting relationships means to look for opportunities to bless or to do special favors for the children’s other family members.
Jesus said, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.  Jesus specifically said that it is the peacemakers, those who make peace, who have the high honor of being known as children of God.

Whether the other parent and stepparent are right or wrong or good or bad, the parent’s and the children’s respectful relationship with them is still critically important to the whole family’s well-being.

To do good to an ex-spouse and that spouse’s partner requires acting differently from the way parents may really feel. They may even grieve and weep following their service of good because of injustices done them. But their commitment must be to honor biological bonds, even if it causes them extreme frustration.

The promise is clear: They that go forth weeping will doubtlessly come again with rejoicing and fulfillment. (Psalms 126:6)

Benefiting bonds means to begin to do something, anything, to build healthy relationships between the children and their other parent. Parents should give their children the gift that will benefit them for a lifetime—the gift of their other parent and the parent’s partner.
Benefiting bonds means being flexible, accommodating, and easy to get along with. It means doing little things, special things, indicating that the individual is free from anger and destructive animosity.

Benefiting bonds is mainly absorbing the disturbing actions and words of other family members and not responding in kind. It means really disciplining oneself by mastering one’s emotions and words. At times benefiting bonds might mean it is better not to speak with former spouses or do them any favors because a cooling-off period may be best for all concerned.

Benefiting bonds may mean not going to court again, accepting some loss, because the parent knows that any court action will only cause the children more emotional injury. It may mean returning to court to set proper standards because the other parent is completely out of control.

The issue is not whether parents or children approve of the various bonds and connections in and around the family. The issue is how they respond to all of the relationships.

If the ex-spouse refuses to work toward peace, then the parent must do it. It must be done. The parent sets the standard and becomes the model for right behavior.

Resources: Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please go to http://www.ifre.org/ifre/buy_online.