In the blood stream of every human being are white blood cells which act like little commandos, responsible for detecting and eliminating foreign cellular materials.

White blood cells travel throughout the body, touching millions of cells, asking the question of every cell or item of foreign matter, “Is this mine or not mine? Is this of my body or is this not of my body?” If foreign tissue or foreign DNA is found that is “not mine” or not of the body, the white blood cell’s immediate job is to neutralize and then eliminate the foreign substance from the body.

White blood cells are not capable of making moral judgments, distinguishing what is good or what is bad. The job of the white blood cell is to reject ALL bodily intruders.

A first-marriage family is like the human body with each member being a white blood cell that shares the same biological connection and DNA with every other member. The husband and wife are joined together in a “one-flesh” relationship, and the children are biological members of that union. This biological connection ties family members together for life. Each family member acts in behalf of a ‘white blood cell’ force that resists any individuals who may try to invade the family solidarity.

Like white blood cells, members of a family distinguish between “mine” and “not mine.” The biological bonds among parents and their children make them clearly aware of who is “mine” and who is “not mine,” Family members are fiercely loyal to one another.

Consider the loyalty between Jesus and His parents in Luke, Chapter 2. Without Mary or Joseph’s knowledge, the young Jesus stayed behind and spent several days in the Temple until Mary and Joseph finally found Him. Don’t miss the wording: When discovered Mary said to Him, Son, why have you done this to us? Look, Your father and I have sought You anxiously. And He said to them, Why did you seek Me? Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business? [v. 48-49]

See the loyalty? See the “mine” and “not mine” mindsets? Mary said, “Your father and I….” Jesus said, “I was about my Father’s business.” Imagine what would have happened if Mary tried to convince Jesus that Joseph was His father?

In the same manner, trying to replace the children’s biological parent with a new stepparent causes an amazing metamorphosis in the household—gentle young children become combative because their white blood cells are activated. Like the white blood cell, children do not think in terms of right or wrong, better or worse. They only think in simple terms of biological mom and dad and shun all outside replacements.

While a parent views the former spouse as “not mine,” the children view that parent as “mine.” And parents who remarry consider their new spouse “mine,” but the children do not. Thus the mindsets of the parents and children are totally opposed.

As in the human body, harmony between family members is critically important for health. Differing mindsets of parents and children result in division, conflict, and separation. With continued opposition, a breakdown is inevitable.

Resources: Taming the Forces of Opposition among Stepfamily Members: The White Blood Cell, Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please visit our store.

In order to maintain a well-running single-parent or stepfamily the following behaviors are necessary:

1) Identify all the relationships in the family,

2) Accept all these relationships,

3) Refrain from interfering with the other parent’s relationship with the children, and 4) Be of some benefit to every one of these relationships.

However, parents cannot practice these behaviors without the following three virtues:

Freedom from offense. Freedom from offense means not allowing the actions of others to cause anger, resentment, or hurt.  We cannot be so sensitive or thin- skinned that the actions or words of others cause us emotional hardship. With the sheer number of people in and around  single-parent or stepfamilies, offenses are certain to abound. The Bible says, In the multitude of words sin is not absent. [Proverbs 10:19] We must not allow offenses to affect us, rule our lives, or control our emotions.

Amnesia. Amnesia means letting go of memories of past hurt or pain inflicted by others.

Past hurts and offenses must be forgotten. We must focus on the good and forget the hurt. Living with amnesia means that we can talk about past hurtful events without experiencing negative emotions. Our past difficulties must become a distant memory. We may remember the event but we must forget the details, particularly the hurt.

Divorce and the events surrounding the divorce are filled with injustice! And single-parent families and stepfamilies have enough ongoing problems without adding unhappy memories.

Flexibility. Flexibility means being able to roll with the punches and not be rigid or inflexible. Running a successful stepfamily requires parents who are pliable and able to go with the flow.

The rule in single parent and stepfamily households is: Nothing works! (…the way you want it to). Having expectations and making plans is good, but if parents do not have a Plan B or C, they will constantly cause turmoil in their families.

Resources: Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please visit our store.

Following divorce or the death of a spouse the parent is thrown into a world of difficulty. Life is not just difficult—it’s dreadfully difficult and filled with troubles.

The Bible describes divorce or widowhood in gruesome detail. If the union of a couple is one flesh, then separation is not just the separation of two individuals but the wholesale tearing of one body into two parts, leaving gaping holes, torn flesh, and blood on the ground.

As painful as divorce and separation may be for single parents, the most dangerous issue for dating single parents is, surprisingly, the intense and sudden happiness that occurs when they find someone they really care about. They do not know that their powerful and passionate feelings can be very dangerous. Unfortunately, it is in the midst of these intense emotions that they make decisions that will have lifelong consequences for themselves and their children.

When falling in love single parents move from loneliness and stark solitude into the sudden warmth and kindness of a new relationship. Parents become swept up in the intoxication of happiness and relief—and they want it and they love it! But this almost irresistible emotional rush can overwhelm them,  obscure their judgment, and impair their decision-making capabilities.

Non-parents are drawn into relationships. Single parents are rammed into relationships. Non-parents take their time when dating and grow into relationships. Single parents fall in love over a good meal. They can go from “Hi, how are you?” to “This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with” within hours of meeting each other.

Personal faults in each other are minimized. Proverbs 27:7 says it well: A sated man loathes honey but to a famished man every bitter thing is sweet. Any cautions a counselor or advisor suggests to the parent about the other partner are disregarded as “sweet.” Even problems and difficulties are viewed positively, as something that makes the partner special and unique. Dating for single parents becomes an intense relationship between two deeply injured, famished people.

Dating single parents react to this new, forceful, overwhelming relationship in seven different ways: [1] A feeling of why wait? Partners want to move their relationships along too fast, too soon. [2] Forgetting who they are. When a parent meets someone special, the emotional doors that had been closed and locked suddenly spring open and former standards and beliefs go out the window. [3] Forgetting who their partner is. Even obvious problems in the partner are discounted as unimportant. [4] Hearing God’s approval. Couples seem to have an amazing ability to hear God’s direct approval of the new relationship through endless signs and confirmations. [5] Backing away from morality. Passion and intimacy smother issues and give the couple a (false) sense of full knowledge about each other. [6] Backing away from God. Couples don’t want to be held accountable, held to any standard, or told what to do. [7] Forgetting the kids. Three’s a crowd. Intense emotions and a wish for privacy tend to make children very inconvenient.

Without understanding and caution, dating for single parents can be extremely dangerous. Dating as a single parent requires new understandings, new knowledge, new rules, new methods, and new disciplines.

Resources: The Environments in Single Parent Dating and Single Parent Savvy Partnering Series: Book 1: Dating, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please browse our store.