The parent more likely to cause emotional damage to the children following a divorce is the parent left behind. Strangely enough the parent who abandoned the marriage and forced the divorce is not the one likely to do the most damage to the children. We have found that it is the righteous parent, the faithful parent, the parent who didn’t want the divorce, the one who tried to save the marriage who is most often the cause of emotional injury to the children.

This is not to say that the parent causing the divorce will not be the cause of some deep heartache and internal damage to the children. But it’s what happens following the separation that is the major source of emotional damage to children. Emotional damage is mainly determined by how the parents react to the separation and subsequent divorce.

Parents separate from each other all the time, for various reasons, with no lasting negative consequences for the children. It’s not uncommon for a spouse to be gone for weeks at a time on extended business trips. And military families may be separated for months and years.

Are children emotionally scarred from these separations? Not usually. Why not? Because one spouse doesn’t try to tear apart and denigrate the absent spouse to the children. Quite the opposite. The children constantly hear favorable comments about their absent parent.

However, it is when war erupts between parents, emotions are running high, and the separation is hostile, that the children suffer terrible emotional damage. The strange thing about divorce is that it is the parent who perceives him or herself as being in the right who is usually guilty of blaming the other parent to the children. And it is this same parent who continues the parental warfare following the separation, to the detriment of the children.

Children take cues from their parents as to how to interpret the separation. If they are taught to assign blame and focus accusations, they develop disrespect and distance.  Such behavior leaves children deeply scarred.

Parents may not feel positive about each other, but they can at least be neutral. What they must do is make sure that their children continue to respect and obey both parents.

Being in the right carries heavy responsibilities. Parents have little training on how to manage the emotional turmoil of divorce. They have little understanding of the powerful effect of burdening their children with their intense hurt and frustration. Their actions and words can turn a happy, carefree child into one who is embittered, angry, or totally withdrawn. The damage to children is unspeakable and can almost destroy the child emotionally for decades to come.

Resources: Building Emotionally Healthy Children: Gatekeepers, and Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work, by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please go to our store.