Rebuilding a life following a divorce requires parents to put away their memories of the past with the former spouse. Yet, in their efforts to erase these memories parents close down conversations with their children about their own memories.

The paradox of divorce is this: Forgetting the past with an ex-spouse gives the parent enormous relief but is extremely destructive to the children. What brings about parental health causes children terrible hardship.

Take a child whose parents divorced when the child was thirteen. From the point of divorce on, any happy and loving memories of the child with the ex-spouse are silenced. Even if the child brings them up, because of the stony silence (or hostile reaction) of the parent, the child quickly learns never to bring them up again. Forgetting past memories may be good for the parent but represent a tragic loss for the child!

And it gets worse.

Divorced parents must also distance themselves from the current life of their ex-spouses. They cannot allow themselves to dwell on what their ex-spouse is doing. And contact with the ex-spouse must be kept to a minimum. Yet, in their efforts to remain uninvolved, they ignore their children’s experiences at the other household.

What parent can deal non-emotionally with stories about how cool the mom’s boyfriend is or how classy their dad’s new car is? Hearing great things about the other parent causes emotional heaviness for days. Children quickly learn to keep information about the other parent to themselves. The rule is: What goes on over at the other house stays there. So children learn to keep quiet not only about their past but also about their current activities with the other parent.

And it gets even worse.

Enter the stepparent. What stepparent wants to hear about all the good times the spouse had with the ex? As far as the stepparent is concerned, the less discussion about the parent’s past the better. And most stepparents are not at all interested in their stepchildren’s experiences over at the ex’s house.

Stepparents want a clean slate with their new partner and the children. It would be much easier for everyone—parents and stepparents—if the kids could just forget their past and keep to themselves anything to do with what goes on at the other parent’s house.

What is happening among separated households is that the whole child is not being appreciated. Such a loss for the child! The only experiences that are appreciated and acknowledged are the child’s time with one particular parent.

Resources: Building Emotionally Healthy Children: Gatekeepers, and Loving Your Stepfamily: The Art of Making Your Blending Family Work. by Dr. Donald R. Partridge. For a more comprehensive list of materials please go to our store.